In all my life I have never been so broken, confused, battered and wounded than I have been this past year. Through a series of multiple events I found myself curled up on the floor ready to admit defeat. I was done. I was done hurting. I was done being confused. I was done giving my heart to others to have it torn to threads and given back without care.
My world as I had known it was no longer. I desperately wanted life back to “normal,” to where it was good. Or was it good? Was I living a life? I don’t know.
Not only was the world around me in chaos but I lost who I was in the midst of it. I was told who I was by others and I didn’t like it. What was said did not match what was in my heart, or did it? If so, what am I doing here? I have no right to be doing what I thought God had called me to do. I began to question, question everything.
There I found myself on my knees pouring myself out to God. Begging Him to take away the pain and make it right. Then it dawned on me, I was asking for the wrong thing. What I needed to be asking God for was to take away me. Take away my willingness to be in control. Take away my stubbornness and replace it with willingness. Take away my pride and replace it with humility. Take away my vision and replace it with God’s eyes and perspective. Take away the keys that I so desperately held in my hands and become the sole driver of my life.
I needed to confidently and humbly say, “God I can not do this (anything/everything) without you. I want you to lead and guide my every step. I do not want my agenda but only yours! Teach me your ways. Mold me into who you want me to be. Help me to hear your voice and only follow you.”
Only after I did that, did the relief come. The burden on my shoulders was lifted. The pain eased and hope returned. I was able to get back on my feet and know I was going to make it. Not because of who I was but because of who was in me.
And from that day forward I was able to start the next leg of the race. The race of my life. No I would not want to relive this last year but I can say with confidence I am so thankful for who I have become because of it. I am changed. I am more focused on my Savior and deeply desire a close, intimate relationship. Because of my trials I am more reliant on the one who gives me strength and wisdom. And for that I am forever grateful.
Have you ever been in a similar situation? Do you find yourself at the end of your rope, barely hanging on? Well my dear friend, I have a promise for you. There is a God who is willing and able to help you. He anxiously awaits an opportunity to meet you exactly where you are at and bring you into the life that He has always wanted for you. No it won’t be easy and you will have to learn to let go of control. But trust me dear friend, it is so worth it. The nearness I feel towards my heavenly Father is something I do not want to take for granted again. Is this something you desire too?
“How do we find it? We come to the Lord and ask Him for it. We set aside our excuses, our habits, and our justifications and whisper, ‘I need your perspective God. I come before you and humbly admit my desperate dependence on you.’ “ Lysa Terkeurst