In honor of March Madness, today’s post tells how you can put on a full court press to win your wife’s heart, mind, soul, etc.
When you were dating, you needed to be alert. You fought for her attention. You wanted to impress her and to make her feel appreciated. You were in the hunt – trying to get to the big dance!
Then came the wedding, the honeymoon, and a new life together. You enjoyed a few years of relatively unchallenged attention. You were all she thought of. You breezed through the first round of the tourney on pure adrenaline and momentum. They call that the honeymoon phase.
Fast forward a few years, and then your wife’s attention becomes dominated by other things. In my case, the main competitors are the natural outcome of the honeymoon phase (i.e. my children). Suddenly, in my house I have found myself outnumbered and outmatched. This was a new challenge that my coaches probably told me about at some point earlier in the season, but that was a long time ago! If I want to have a chance of competing at this level, I’m going to have to go strong to the hoop or don’t go at all. It’s game on!
You have to woo her. Her mind and her energy are being diverted to the loud short people. In my case I am hopelessly outnumbered, so I have to use my superior height, intellect, and cash supply to overwhelm their numerical advantage. If you know me, you know that I am just a regular dude. But through the years I’ve learned a few plays that usually lead to a victorious finish. (to continue with the basketball tournament theme)
On the one hand, women are incredibly complex. Like a Lamborghini. On the other hand, they are pretty simple. In fact, I would bet that most women will enjoy the same things that my wife enjoys. See below for some lists:
- Sonic (anything from here)
- Cutesy office supply stuff (May not be true of some women, but nothing makes Dana happier than colorful fine tip sharpies or a flowery 3ring binder. Really anything pink at Office Max will do, or anything from 31.)
- Journal books to write in
- Devotional books
If you know me, you know that I’m a ‘budget-conscious’ dude. (B.C. is PC for “cheap”.) Here is the beauty of it: Your wife doesn’t usually want you to spend $100 or $1,000 on her. She simply needs to know that you were thinking of her, that you love her, and that you desire her. (Her insecurities will always tell her that she is not desirable, and it is your job to provide the counterexample.) The gift that you get her is a visible, tangible reminder that you are pursuing her. That she is worth pursuing. My wife is excited when I bring home flowers from Hy-Vee and a chocolate-covered cherry. The flowers are $5, $10 if I splurge for the bigger bouquet. I can’t tell you how much the chocolate costs, because I know that she will read this post, but it isn’t very expensive either. But she loves it!
- Renting a movie that she will like (or borrowing it from the library for free!)
- Going for a walk together
- Volunteering to arrange babysitting and then just having an evening to relax
- Offering to bring home dinner
- Going to listen to music
- Taking her window-shopping in a place she would enjoy (Hint: Window shopping does not usually occur at Home Depot)
When you were dating, you did fun stuff together all the time. That was important for you, and important for her. A couple weeks ago we had some friends watch the kids and we went and played tennis together. It reminded us of fun times we’d had back in college.
- I text or talk to Dana every day around lunch.
- Leave her little notes in the morning (See Maintenance Required for more background and ideas)
- Purposefully compliment her on a range of things that you appreciate about her, not just her looks.
- Compliment her to other people, either in front of her or not
- Write it down! When she mentions something that she thinks is cute or that she would like or that she would like to do – write it down. I have a list hidden somewhere of stuff that she likes. Well, now it’s not hidden since I posted it today, but the point is that when I need ideas I can go to the list.
- Read the signs. If it has been an extra busy month, or if you’ve had to work a lot lately, or if she is grumpy or tired or otherwise in a funk, that is a sign that she needs your love. Your job is to lay down your pride and serve her.
- Don’t expect a badge. It ruins the effect if you expect a Husband Of The Year Award every time you follow this advice. And don’t just do these things so that you’ll get something in return. She’s not a vending machine.
Anyone who has snagged a wife has mastered the basic fundamentals of the game of wooing. The key now is to keep running the plays and fighting to win her heart. Remember: It’s not how you start the season, it’s how you finish that counts.
These are just a few ideas to get you started. What ideas do you have for me? I can definitely use all the help I can get, so please email me or leave comments so that we can give each other suggestions. Women have Pinterest to get their ideas, so we might as well swap notes too. We’re all in this together! Regular dudes, unite!
Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, talks about the deep longing of a woman’s heart.
The Five Love Languages talks about the different ways that we give and receive love.
His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, gives even more background and ideas about meeting each other’s needs in marriage.
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Always the right answer.