Spaghetti Brain

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Last week we covered importance of marital intimacy, and the crucial role that communication plays in this area of your relationship.

Yesterday Nate talked about the top 5 hindrances that interfere with the husband’s ability to serve his wife in this area.  Today and tomorrow it is my turn.

Insecure Spaghetti

Insecurities and a spaghetti brain can be major hindrances for the wife to fully enjoy intimacy with her husband. If not dealt with properly, dissatisfaction, bitterness and feelings of failure can set in for one or both of the partners. Today I am going to explain how one of God’s wonderful gifts to women (our spaghetti brain) can work against us in the bedroom.  Then tomorrow I will put myself out there and discuss some of my own insecurities and hindrances to fully enjoying the intimate moments between my husband and I. I am praying that this will allow you to evaluate your own relationship and give you some tools to help you change your marriage into the relationship that God created it to be.

Be Present

Spaghetti brains have their benefit. We are able to multi-task – we can carry on a conversation with a friend while disciplining a child and making a to-do list, grocery list and Walmart list all at the same time. For twelve hours a day this is a wonderful ability. However, for the one hour that you are trying to become one with your husband it is a major hindrance. Unlike a man who can close his mental work box and his mental dad box and only have his intimacy box open, we have a hard time allowing our brains to just focus on one thing. I am sure that if we are all honest with ourselves, we have been guilty of adding one more thing to our mental grocery list in between kisses. Now, you may be asking if it is at all possible to shut your brain down and just focus on the man of your dreams. I am here to tell you that it is possible but it takes work and dedication. The first step is to realize that intimacy, focused intimacy, is for your benefit just as much as it is for your spouse’s benefit. You need it to survive the day, to feel close and feel truly loved by your husband. When you realize the importance of this for your own life, you can grasp how important it is to learn how to be truly present. The second just as equally important step is that you need to be present for your spouse’s benefit. Lack of involvement or desire can lead to your husband actually feeling rejected and undesirable. Either of these feelings can lead to your husband pulling away to protect himself. Once you fully understand the importance of becoming mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually involved in your interactions here are some practical steps to help shut your spaghetti brain down.

  1. Think about your spouse during the day. Remember why you married him. Make a list of the things that you respect about him.
  2. Talk to your spouse throughout the day. Whether it is text messages, emails or a phone call at lunch, these will help you feel more connected throughout the day.
  3. Have your more in depth conversations earlier in the evening and not in bed or right before bed. Sometimes late nights are unavoidable, but try your best to usually time these conversations well.
  4. Spend time doing something together right before bed, such as snuggling on the couch, each reading a book while interlocking your legs.
  5. Teach your husband things that he can do to get you in the mood. Do you like to snuggle a certain way or be touched a certain way? Can he give you a back rub, foot rub, sing you a song?
  6. Make time to get in the mood. Do you need to take a shower to feel freshened up? Put on a certain outfit or listen to music? Do you just need 5 minutes all to yourself to relax and compose yourself?
  7. Have a sheet of paper and pen next to the bed. Until you are able to just shut everything out, write it down when it comes to mind. That way you can put on paper for later and you can stop thinking about it.

Remember, it is wonderful that God has wired us this way!  I was out of town for a few days and my husband was definitely wishing that he had the ability to multi-task as he got all 4 kids ready to get in the car for trips to school, basketball, and church!  But our greatest strength means that we have to spend a little extra time and effort to shut down our brains and focus!  It’s worth it!

We’re interested – what feedback do you have about this concept?  What have you done that has helped you to overcome it?

We want to hear from you!